emmalie.

fuck. .. I’m too good for this.

I had an anxiety attack while cooking with Tam at home last night. I thought i was gonna die because it never happened to me before, i asked tam to call the hospital to see whats up and they sent paramedics to my house. Damn. those paramedics were hella FINE, especially that one named TJ. I wouldn’t mind dying in his arms hahahahahahaha <3 no really he was really really cute. Seeing a guy as fine as that definitely tells me i can do better than eric.

Eric was the one who came to get me from the hospital when i got better and refused to see the doctor. I was rushed on a gurney and i did not grab shoes on my way to the hospital, so they gave me these hospital socks and a giant warm towel to wrap myself in. On our way to his car he asked about my shoes, my condition, what happened. When he saw i was walking in socks, he offered to give me his jordan slippers. after we got in the car he told me i needed to eat something, or at least some water. After i told him i dont need it, that i can just eat when i get home, he said NO, and took to burger king and bought me my favorite meal ( mini burgers , specifically the 4 pack hamburgers) . i told him i wanted to smoke, and he brought me back to his place.

As i got out of his car to walk from the car to the front door, i took off my sock because they were so dreadfully ugly, he gave me a piggy back ride and carried me to the front door. after we smoked, we watched the giants game with his housemates, then he took me home . this was a very quiet process, we did not talk much to each other.  but i dont know how or why he took such good care of me. If he was just trying to look nice, to seem like he cared, i really wouldnt know why he would even try anymore . Its over between us, did he really still care ?

All i wanted was a ride home.. it was embarrassing when he came because it made it seem like i was those girls from asian movies who hurt myself for attention..  I DIDNT DO THAT It WAS A PANIC ATTACK -.-  but i got more than just a ride, i got to spend some time of comfort next to him. even though i really hated him at some times… i just don’t know what to do about him anymore… i dont know if i owe him for this.. i dont know how im supposed to act around him. . i guess thats up to whatever happens next.

but seriously. TJ . hottest guy in the world, i wish i could find him again somehow without having to pay the ambulance fee. .. <3

(Source: supdannielle)

I never wanted to “play” you.. I really was never interested in Sharyl, you were the only one I was interested in when we talked. Iono, she kept putting herself all up on me and eventually I gave in… I probably messed up twice at most, but I stopped right after because iono I felt bad/wrong towards you after. And I really did not like her whatsoever, where I at least enjoyed hanging out and getting to know you better…

I guess the fact that you were always in and still are in mike and other people’s rooms hella late at night kind of gave me the notion that you might be pulling a fast one on me, so I was like okay, whatever then… I always had that feeling in the back of my head after our whole “possible threesome” conversation to be honest.. If you serriously have feelings towards another bro, then go for it. I won’t say or do shit to stop it. I know you don’t believe me, but my biggest regret in this was hurting your feelings. Thanks for at least talking to me, I have to admit this was troubling me last night too..

Be yourself, be aware of the environment you put yourself in late at night (not that there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing now… but if a guy’s like me, then they might be uneasy by it), and I’m sure you’ll find Mr. Right..

i dont know what to believe in anymore. im trying not to be biased but this is too much for me to handle.

i never knew it was so easy to cut someone out of my life. you did not come into my life as friend, and we never even got the chance at being friends after all this mess. It is hard for me to say this but it is so true and weird. how can i know so much about you. . how can you know so much about me.. yet somehow i see you fading away in my life. i no longer look at you even when we are in the same room, you are there but you are non existent to me.. you are a ghost and you are fading. after you move out of the house, you will not exist to me anymore, neither you or moho .. only memories that are painful but ungrasping.

i have wondered if you will ever be able to read this post written by me.. maybe forever from now when nothing matters anymore, when neither i or anyone involved even matters anymore . i always wanted to let you know i cared about you alot. even though we would have never made a good couple (ever.) i spent alot of time trying to make you happy because i always loved seeing you smile. i always wanted to see you happy even when it made me just want to argue and scream at you . i guess when we met i left my ex and i had an empty hole that i wanted to fill . I obsessed over everything too much and eventually it just didnt work out.

You didnt do anything wrong, in the end we were just fuck buddies. .it wasnt wrong to have two at a time. but it was wrong to tell us to behave and be exclusive while you were double dipping. you did warn me many times to not fall for you. and i can honestly say i was never in love with you or anything… i just care alot about you because you were ..you. you knew so much about me , you remembered all my favorite things even when i couldnt remember yours. i just took it to the wrong direction. I just dont understand why you care to know so much about me when you were playing me anyways. was the sex really that worth it?

sometimes i really wonder why you would do such a thing when you already knew i cared. that i always cared.

im really happy you found moho . it is a bittersweet thing for me because at least if you are honestly in love with her, that you will not treat her the way you treated us . being a player may seem cool… but its a selfish thing to do. we were not in a relationship , but i can honestly tell you that I am scarred for life , it hurts even more to know that you KNOW that i know, but you cannot tell me face to face . i wish you would tell me one day whether its 1 or 20 years from now. i wasn’t the best, and i knew you were sick of me for being around so much, but i really tried my best to put u above everything (i know you didnt ask but i did) . . i gave myself away, at least you could give me some sort of explanation? Im not asking for much… and i really wish i could have believed you when you were “sorry for hurting my feelings” .

i can erase everything thats going on repeat in my mind right now. but i cannot erase the fact that i still know you , that even you fucked me over like that, that i still care about you because i know thats not all you are. You are a good person and I am sure you will make moho very happy . I wish we could have been friends. i still wish that now.

these past four months have been too intense, too hard for me to just drop . but at the end we both move on.  congratulations, you have successfully “played” us. i don’t know how many swagger points you get but you win .. i hope you are content, and maybe some time far from now we can be friends again.

this is the last letter im ever going to write about you. i dont have any more feelings to give. . im completely drained.

fuck it , ima choose to be happy.